The Hard Realities and Hopeful Possibilities of Parenting

On my way to school this morning, a song came on the radio that hit me hard—very suddenly and unexpectedly. It’s a song that I have heard many times, been performed by several different artists, and it's beautiful. But I’ve never reacted to it the way I did as I drove with my girls to High Meadows. I found myself with a lump in my throat as the soulful lyrics and haunting melody overtook the moment. Before I share the song, let me give you the context behind why I was moved by it so profoundly.

Michael Thompson’s presentation last night really got my mind spinning (and my heart thumping). There were too many takeaways to list here, but the one that rang in me resoundingly was this: We can’t construct a life of smooth social sailing for our kids. What a dis-empowering, dismaying, gut-wrenching notion!

·         We can’t choose their friends.

·         We can’t solve all of their problems.

·         We can’t inflame their already tender emotions (“interviewing for pain”).

·         We can’t shelter them from the inevitable pain that life presents, especially in the realm of      friendships and the search for belonging and significance.

As parents of two teenage girls who experience their share of social upset, my wife and I don’t want to take those “can’ts” lying down. So what CAN parents, according to Dr. Thompson, do?

·        We can model for them what healthy relationships look like.

·         We can get to know their friends and their friends’ parents.

·         We can create a safe place for children to play and relate to each other.

·         We can be inclusive of other children and be mindful of practices that exclude (inviting 75% of a class to a birthday party).

Along with wearing my parent hat last night, I also put on my educator’s fedora. So what can High Meadows, as a school, do?

·         We can be clear about our values of “respect, responsibility, honesty, and compassion”—values explicitly championed by No Place for Hate and Positive Discipline.

·         We can educate teachers about how to handle bad class dynamics and bullying. Our Positive Discipline program does that well, but we need to be watchful for other practices that may help with this.

·         We can serve as coaches for kids experiencing difficulty, offering the sympathetic ears of another trusted adult.

·         We can partner with parents to prevent and react to social difficulties.

We CAN do things that are positive and constructive. We can lean on each other and the experts who are around us. And, above all, we can love our children without condition. Ultimately, we face the facts that they are growing, changing, walking their own path. Those are hard facts to face.

As the song goes,

I’ve been afraid of changing

‘Cause I’ve built my life around you

But time makes you bolder

Children get older

And I’m getting older too